Mea Culpa — An Open Confession
Note: I don’t actually expect anyone to ready this, but I needed to write it. Making it public makes it real and keeps me honest. (That’s the plan anyway)
Recently I have been making some small changes in an attempt to live a simpler and—at the risk of sounding trite—a more authentic life. Doing small things like getting rid of a couple of my email accounts, reducing my unused wardrobe, or deleting apps I never use. These small changes have left me generally happier, my heart lighter, and my mind clearer.
So of course I have been on the lookout for even more small changes I can make. After some reflection, I realized that feelings of regret and or guilt consume me far too often. They bear down on my heart and mind like a giant weight. I think of all the stupid things I have done — or regret not doing — over the years. Especially things I have done which may have hurt someone.
From past experience I know that—at least for me—asking for forgiveness is a real part of the healing process. So it’s time to admit my mistakes and announce my regrets. Not just to myself but to those I may have hurt. It is time for a public confession. I realize that this “public confession” isn’t for the benefit of the public. It is in fact only self-serving. Yet, maybe, just maybe someone other than myself will also benefit. It’s at least worth a try… right?
So my friends, for things I have done, and for the things I should have done but didn’t, I apologize. These apologies are completely sincere, even for the humorous ones. (It can’t all be doom and gloom.)
Let’s get rockin’! — Jack Black School of Rock
1971–1989 Mi Familia
John & Patty Walser: My beloved parents you and I both know I have at times been a complete idiot. Yet I won’t bore you with everything, instead here are a few highlights. I am sorry about writing with red marker, both on the fur rug and the weirdo one at the doctor’s office. I still regret turning the table post hole in the Mystery Machine van into a urinal. (Ya, that was so gross). Also, even though it gave us one of the greatest “kid lie” stories ever (Field Day anyone?) my biggest regret is being irrationally afraid of the consequences of my frequent screw ups. Too often that fear lead me to choosing the coward’s path; lying my pants off in hopes of avoiding the consequences. I’m sorry for all the headaches and for taking years off of your lives.
Tony : We both know you deserved to have a much better brother than I was while growing up. I am grateful you survived growing up regardless of my failings.
Frank : I am sorry I wasn’t there for you more. I could still do more to stay better involved and available for you. Both in the past and the present. I’ll work on it.
Chris: Even though you were still pretty young when the family moved, I am sorry it took us so long to connect. Yet I am so glad we did.
Tina (Shakespear): You were only three years old when the family moved. Yet, I still should have made a better effort to get to know you like a good brother should. I am glad we have closed the gap since then.
Cousins
Mike Walser: I deeply regret treating you like crap all those years growing up. I was a total jerk in so many ways. I was just a stupid kid. I hope you can forgive me one day.
Joe Walser: I know you and I already spoke but I want to also publicly apologize for being a super brat.
Susan “Newanda” Pace (Stearman): You were always there for me but I don’t feel like I was very good at returning the favor. During your time in Virginia I should have been so much more attentive and involving. You know you are the twin sister I never had, I love you dearly and I hope you can overlook my selfishness and foolishness.
Maury Giles: I am deeply sorry that I ever said anything to hurt your feelings. I was just a dumb kid who had always been jealous of your awesomeness. So if I saw any weakness at all I most likely pounced on it like a cat on a mouse. Also, I am sorry for ever being upset about you stealing my girlfriend. Twice, in two different countries. (Okay, full disclosure to anyone other than Maury reading this. It’s actually a really funny story because A. Neither of the ladies in question were ever really my girlfriend and B. Who can blame them, I mean really!)
Tracy Giles: Man I am so very sorry for messing with you while you were sleeping / sleepwalking. So not very nice of a cousin who you always treated fairly and with love. Thank you for always sharing your friends and family with me.
Monte Giles: While I can’t actually think of anything, I am sure I did something to piss you off sometime over the years or at least as your roommate but you know I love you my brother. And if you do think of something let me know cause I am sorry.
The 80’s Part I: Mexico City
American School Foundation in Mexico: I am sorry for tossing huge concrete construction blocks into the nice pool of our nice private school and causing moderate damage to said pool. While it definitely wasn’t my idea, and I was the new kid, I whole heartedly went along with it. No excuses.
BSA Troop in Mexico City: I am sorry we were no longer allowed to have our Troop meetings at the nice private school due to the above stated stupidity, perpetrated by a small number of complete morons.
The Boys in the Tents of Patrol Camps 3 and 4 at Camp Azteca: It was super lame of us (me and my patrol mates) to cut your ropes and collapse your tents in the middle of the night. The fact that you guys were acting like big jerks was no excuse. We knew better and should have acted better.
Eugene Northacker V & Andrew Braniff: Sometimes I just hate the fact that I had a chance to be a better person and I failed. Although we were friends I know that some teasing hurts even our friends. That shouldn’t have happened. You both deserved better.
Kid I Pantsed on the Bus: It didn’t matter that you were the absolute most annoying terror of Bus 19. It didn’t matter that you set yourself up by wearing those super loose gym shorts. It didn’t matter that I was giving the you a bit of your own medicine. I never, ever should have pantsed you right there in the middle walkway of the bus. It was a super jerk thing to do. I have regretted doing it from about 3.3 seconds after I did it. The first 3.2 seconds were glorious. The 977,616,000 some odd seconds (or about 31 years) since then… so not worth it.)
Bully in 9th Grade Spanish Class: I’m sorry I wasn’t mature enough to realize you were just a dumb kid trying to figure out high school too. So when you put me in that choke hold I shouldn’t have stabbed you in the hand with a sharp pencil. Nor should I have snapped the tip of it off, leaving it in your hand. And while it did make you let me go and you never bothered me again, answering with an escalation of violence was not the best answer.
ASF Varsity Baseball Team: I am sorry I let you down and had to quit the team because I was so bad at keeping my grade average up. I realize that even though you didn’t need me on the team. It still wasn’t cool of me to let that happen.
ASF Theater friends: Same thing for two different musicals. I let my grades drop and I was required to bow out. I knew the standard and I didn’t live up to it. It was not fair to make you scramble to fill those roles so late in the season.
Mark Hannye: Forgive me for not staying in touch. You were a dear friend and I let that go by the wayside.
Sariah Toronto (Rollins): We have known each other for longer than either of us can remember. You have always been a dear and loyal friend. You were always there for me when I need someone to talk to. My regret is that I was a fool and didn’t recognize what a good friend you have always been to me. I should have worked harder to deserve it. Please forgive me.
Sarah Ward (Robinson): I know that we would tease each other and most of it was innocent but occasionally I would take it too far. Especially the time I dropped your stuffed animal — I think it was a bear — from the second story window of the church. I did that because I knew it would made you crazy. So, so wrong of me. I hope you can forgive me.
Laurie Ward (Suggs) : While we have already talked — and I am so grateful for the reconnect — I wanted to make it public as well. I am so sorry for hurting you in anyway. I am also sorry for not staying in touch. Sure we were in different countries, and there were no cell phones and no internet, but we had already proven we were good note writers and I should have sent letters. Thank you for being my friend in spite of everything.
Andrea Ward (Monson): I am sorry for antagonizing you just because I knew what buttons to push to drive you nuts. It was petty and immature. If it is any consolation, I still have the tiny scar on my wrist from your “angry nails” grip to remind me that sometimes being a jerk has consequences.
Becky Bailey (Benson): I declared you my nemesis; and for no good reason. I was a total jerk. I had hoped this apology would find you, because my treatment of you has weighed heavily on me. Yet in the course of some research for this essay a mutual friend discovered that you had passed away in 2003. I am sorry I waited so long to come around. You deserved better.
Troy Johnson: My beloved friend please forgive me for being so obtuse at times. Until I met you I never had a real live best friend. I am so happy we reunited while at college and that we picked up right where we left off. But I am sorry for not staying as close as I should have after our missions. You left us too soon, and I miss you still.
The 80’s Part 2: Fairfax, Virginia
My entire Theater class, but especially Miss Joan Bedinger: I shrink in horror when I think of my final project taking the entire class time. What is worse is how painful to the senses it was. I am sure that on that day you questioned ever becoming a teacher. To this day it is one of those “I can’t believe how clueless I was” moments. It made my day when I heard they named the W.T. Woodson Auditorium after you. I hope all is forgotten and forgiven.
Lisa Steckman: I am sorry, so sorry. I was obtuse and at times unkind and ambivalent. You were a dear friend and I let minor misunderstandings become major stumbling blocks. You deserved so much more from me than I gave you. I am glad you are a more gracious and loving person than I was.
Kristalyn Thornock (Jenkins): My dear senior prom friend, and Phantom pal. Please forgive me my lack of vision, my stupid inability to forgive a perceived slight, and for my laziness in repairing a beloved friendship. May you find happiness and peace.
Shauna Schmidt (Fowler): Actually no regrets here. A gent couldn’t have asked for a better first kiss/girlfriend. Okay maybe I regret the ambiance just a bit. I mean the back seat of Brad’s car? How cliché. Yet as you know, I had no idea that was going to happen; so I don’t feel too badly about it. (Flavors of Ice Cream? Who knew that John Michael would be right about that.)
Tona Younce (Hangen): Please forgive me for being a coward. You were gorgeous, smart, super nice and interesting. And yet, I blew it. Which just proves that I was too stupid and you were out of my league anyway. My loss entirely. I hope can forgive me and my unkindness.
Larke Rader (Pain): My friendship and association with you was and continues to be a major highlight of my adolescence. Yet, I must apologize for not being wiser. In hindsight it is clear I was immature, foolish, selfish, and at times short sighted in the extreme. All of that is on me. If by chance you feel any lingering awkwardness or regret let it go, because it’s all on me 100%. I recall that during that time in life you carried the unfair burden of perceived perfection better than anyone could have. You were — and from all evidence continue to be — an amazing person. Your kindness and sensitivity has always been an example to me. I pray only the greatest happiness for you and your family. (What up Rick! sorry for any weirdness, you are awesome.)
Brad Warnick: I am still sorry for running up the cost of the Corvette at auction for your prom and then getting it for free for mine. Yes it was a really jerky thing to do. Mostly I am sorry for being passive aggressive with you sometimes just because I was jealous of you. I was jealous because (in my mind) you had it all figured out and because you made being so awesome seem so easy. You were always a good friend even when I was not. It’s a miracle you ever put up with me.
Brad Aldous: I apologize for not being a better friend when you needed it. (I also apologize to all those people we pranked with major TP or doorbell ditching in the middle of the night.) Crazy stupid fun.
Michael Hunter: I apologize for being a prideful, sanctimonious jerkface. I had no cause or right to think I was somehow in anyway shape or form a better “churchy guy” than you. In fact, the opposite is true. You taught me the value and brilliance of true honesty better than anyone. To this day I still look up to you and admire you for teaching me that and several other things as well.
Sharon Newport: It was a blessing to live with your family after my parents moved to El Paso my senior year. You stuck by me no matter what and taught me more about loyalty than I had thought possible in such a short amount of time. Yet, I repaid your kindness with selfishness. I don’t recall helping out much. I never asked how I could make your life any easier. I am so grateful for your love and hope you can forgive my immaturity.
April Wakeland: Our friendship meant more to me than what you might think because of the way I treated it. I was a fool to jeopardize it over selfish desires. I was a total idiot and an untrue friend. You deserved so much better. Dumb Aaron.
Teresa Heim: By now I hope it is clear, I was just a stupid, stupid boy. Please forgive me my obliviousness. You were so amazing, and I was so… dumb.
General High School Regret 1987–89: I regret not having the courage to ask several girls I knew in high school out on a date. (Only while not in a relationship mind you. Total relationship fidelity is maybe the one thing I did get right.) I also regret not having had the courage to kiss even more of them whom I did go out with. (Note, I would never presume any of these amazing young ladies ever had the same regret. Yet, risk has it’s rewards at times. I was late in learning that.)
BYU Freshman Year & Summer 1989–1990
To all my mates freshman year Scott Hall, Dave Broadbent, Troy Johnson, Michael Hutchinson, Rob Taylor, Steve Adams, etc. and the entire nerd herd* in John Hall:, who I sometimes beguiled into being as lazy and rotten at school as I was just to play games and goof off. I paid big time for that shortsightedness. Anything I did to influence any of you to not give school your top priority has haunted me for 20+ years. I am deeply sorry. (*I gladly include myself in the nerd herd by the way.)
Every Girl in May Hall; Fall Semester 1990: I’m sorry that I — and others who shall remain unnamed — remotely “engineered” the new touch tone phone system on campus to ring every single phone in every single room of May Hall all at the same time. (Okay that’s a lie. I am not really that sorry. It was freaking awesome.)
Michelle Bushman (Kendall): I apologize for not being wiser and seeing things for what they were, rather than trying to make our friendship something it wasn’t nor ever would be. Yes I was an idiot, and I am sorry.
Troy Skabelund (and his dance date): I know I already apologized for this but I must apologize a thousand times over for being a dirty rat and hitting you and your dance date—in her nice dress—with that water balloon I tossed from the sunroof of the BMW. In truth I think I deserved a severe smack down for that one, so I appreciate the absence of black eyes, broken ribs and no swirlies. You are a gracious human, far more so than I for sure.
Linda Uni Maria Sofia etcetera Schade (Pattberg): Uni, you were and are a dear friend and an amazing example. One day I hope to be 1/4 as awesome as you. If I accomplish such a feat then I will consider my life a success. I am sorry I haven’t been as good a friend as you deserve.
Rosario, Argentina: AKA The Mish.
All My Mission Companions: It is obvious to me now that my type A personality was a blessing and a curse. I realize that there were many times I should have stepped back and let you lead. Instead of being so bull headed and obstinate, I should have been much more open to your ideas and different ways of doing things. I am sorry for not being better. I also apologize for any lazy days. I know I had them and I am sorry I wasn’t stronger for both of us.
Elder Chris Crawford: I apologize for my irrational disdain for you. I still don’t know what my problem was. I do know that I treated you in an unchristian way. Which was one of the stupidest things I ever did while serving as a missionary in Argentina.
Elder Rick Johns: The pattern is clear, I suck as a friend. We were friends before the mission at BYU and it was a blessing beyond compare to have you as a companion during the mission. I should have manned up way more and been a much better companion. I still consider it one of the greatest honors being one of your groomsmen at your wedding. Somehow over time, we lost touch. I blame myself. I hope you can forgive me.
1990–2016
Angela Dawn Draschil (Johnston): and Mr. Johnston, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. Only years after your wedding did I come to the realization that it was a stupid and selfish thing to show up at your wedding reception. You were gracious enough to have invited me, and had I been smarter, perhaps I would have realized that the greatest gift I could have given you was not showing up. Instead, I was selfish and self-deceiving thinking it would be just fine. I am deeply sorry for any and every discomfort I have ever caused. Angela, you taught me so much about myself and about the value of creativity that I can never repay you. I am so sorry for not being wiser, and more mature.
Joshua James: I am sorry for taking the coward's path and being passive aggressive with you. I regret being obtuse and close minded. It was wrong of me to grumble when I should have taken the honorable path. I should have had the courage to stand up to your bull shit. You may not have agreed with me, but I am confident I would have no regrets if I had taken a hard stand. But as I have asked for forgiveness, I also extend total absolution to you. I wish you nothing but happiness.
John Pestana: I am sorry for being angry with you for doing the exact same thing I did. When our mutual friend lied and took from me what he had promised, it was I who should have stood up to him. I never should have expected you to do it for me. I have wasted too much energy on something that I need to let go of. We were all doing our best. I hope you can forgive me.
Shaun Jones: You deserved a much better roommate than I was. No really good roommate would ask to borrow your car. Then dump you at the Circle K so he can drop his girl off and get some smooches without you making fun of him. Brother, you were one of a kind and I am better for knowing you. May you have peace and joy forever.
Katey Deeny (Muus): I am sorry for not putting in a greater effort to help you truly feel a part of the leadership team. I was not as engaged as I should have been. You are a talented, hardworking individual that wasn’t given the room to stretch until space was made for you. I am so glad that it worked out well for you in the end.
John Weiss: For not being more engaged with the difficulties plaguing our team. I should have spent more energy helping solve problems rather than just complaining about them.
The Others
To all those I have had the honor and responsibility to serve whom I did not serve as I should have, I am sorry. For the most part I was doing my best, yet at times I know I could have done better. You all deserved better.
To anyone I have missed, I promise it is not on purpose. I am super sorry. If you ever come across this and you remember something please tell me. I wish to know and I wish to apologize.
My Beloved Family
David Walser: Son, I love you dearly. You have accomplished much in your 21 years. I am sorry I was not a better parent, especially in your younger years. I don’t really have the right words to express how much I sometimes wish I could have those years back. I think there would be a lot less discipline and a lot more playtime. I think I would try to learn from you as much as I tried to teach you.
Maddy Walser: My dear daughter, I love you so much. I am incredibly happy for you and your successes. I am sorry I was (and sometimes still) so impatient with you. I wasn’t ready for a kid so different. I should have been, it’s obvious everyone is different but I just didn’t put two and two together for a long time. If I could have those years back I am confident there would be less lectures, time-outs, and punishments. There would be more time spent asking what you thought, and how you felt about things in your life.
Biz Walser: My beloved funny girl, words are insufficient to tell you how much I love you. You excel at so much it’s breathtaking. I know we still have a few years together and I am confident I will still make mistakes but I want you to know I am sorry for being so over sensitive with you and harsh with you at times. I know you are a wonderful young woman. I hope you can forgive me my weaknesses and together we can grow stronger over the next 3 years before spread your wings and give the real world a try.
All Three of my Children: I am so very proud of each of you. I hope that when you have your own children you will forgive me and perhaps learn from my mistakes.
My Beloved Wife Carrie Mautz (Walser): You above all deserve my deepest and continuing apologies. It’s curious that the ones we love and adore the most can be the most vulnerable to our failings and can be hurt the most by our mistakes. You are my best friend and forever partner. We have gone through so much together. I am sorry for the things I should be better at. I only hope you can continue in patience and forgiveness because you are pretty much stuck with me babe.
To anyone who actually reads this missive: Thank you for your patience and forbearance. I wish you the greatest peace and happiness.
